Grief, Healing, and the Emotional Bank Account: Reflecting After Relational Hurt
Divorce or the ending of a significant relationship brings a deep sense of loss. Even when separation is necessary, the pain can feel overwhelming. Psychologists describe this as a grief process—similar to mourning the death of a loved one—because you’re grieving not just the relationship, but the dreams, routines, and future you imagined together.
Dr. John Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account offers a helpful lens for reflecting on what happened and how to heal. Every relationship has an account where trust and connection build through deposits (kindness, attention, respect) and weaken through withdrawals (criticism, neglect, betrayal). When the balance becomes too negative, relationships often break down.
Combining this framework with the stages of grief can help you process what happened, make sense of your emotions, and begin moving toward healing.
The Stages of Grief in Divorce or Separation
While grief isn’t linear, you may notice yourself cycling through these stages:
Denial – “This can’t really be happening.” You may find yourself replaying memories, struggling to accept the reality of the separation.
Anger – Frustration or resentment may rise: “Why did this happen? How could they?” Anger often highlights the depth of hurt.
Bargaining – Wishing things could go back to how they were or imagining “what if” scenarios.
Depression – Deep sadness, loneliness, or a loss of hope about the future.
Acceptance – Recognizing the reality of the loss and beginning to create new meaning, routines, and possibilities.
All of these are normal. You may move back and forth between stages as you heal.
Reflection Worksheet: Grieving, Healing, and My Emotional Bank Account
Use these prompts to process your experience. There’s no right or wrong stage to be in—this is about honoring where you are.
1. Denial: Facing Reality
In what ways have I struggled to accept the end of this relationship?
What moments of denial still come up for me?
How did I used to explain away the “withdrawals” in our Emotional Bank Account?
2. Anger: Naming the Hurt
What specific “withdrawals” made me feel most angry or unseen?
How has anger shown up in my body or behavior?
What does my anger reveal about what mattered most to me?
3. Bargaining: Longing for Change
What “if only” thoughts do I notice when I think about this relationship?
How did I try to make deposits to save the relationship, even when the account felt empty?
What do I wish my partner had done differently?
4. Depression: Sitting with Sadness
In what ways has this loss affected my sense of self-worth or daily energy?
What memories or withdrawals bring up the deepest sadness for me?
Who or what helps me feel supported when I’m in this stage?
5. Acceptance: Rebuilding and Moving Forward
What truths about the relationship am I ready to accept?
What deposits can I choose to make now into my own Emotional Bank Account?
What hopes or values do I want to carry into future relationships?
Grief is not something to rush through. It is a journey of honoring your pain while slowly choosing to invest in your healing. The Emotional Bank Account gives you language to reflect on what was missing or broken, while the stages of grief remind you that your emotional rollercoaster is normal and valid.
As you rebuild your own account with compassion, boundaries, and support, you’re not only healing from what was lost—you’re preparing to live with greater clarity, resilience, and hope.
