Breaking Old Patterns: What is my Attachment style?
Understanding Attachment Theory: Why It Matters in Love and Life
Have you ever wondered why you react a certain way in relationships—why you pull away when things get tough, or why you feel anxious when someone seems distant? Or maybe you’ve noticed patterns in your relationship that keep repeating, even when you’re with a different partner.
Attachment theory helps make sense of all of that.
It’s a powerful framework that explains how we connect with others, especially in close relationships. And the good news? Once you understand your attachment style, you can grow, heal, and build more secure, connected relationships.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory comes from the work of psychologist John Bowlby, who studied how children bond with their caregivers. But researchers later found that our early attachment experiences shape how we relate to others well into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships.
At its core, attachment theory is about how we give and receive love, security, and connection.
The 4 Main Attachment Styles
Most people tend to fall into one of these categories:
Secure Attachment
You feel comfortable with closeness and independence.
You trust others and yourself in relationships.
Conflict feels manageable, and you bounce back from disagreements.
Anxious Attachment
You crave closeness but often fear being abandoned.
You may feel insecure or need frequent reassurance.
Conflict or silence might feel overwhelming or threatening.
Avoidant Attachment
You value independence and often downplay emotions.
You might feel uncomfortable with too much closeness.
In conflict, you tend to shut down or withdraw.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
You want connection but fear it at the same time.
Relationships may feel chaotic or intense.
There may be a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
No style is "bad"—they’re simply patterns you’ve learned to keep yourself safe. And the beautiful thing is: these patterns can change.
Why It Matters in Therapy
Understanding your attachment style can be a game changer in counseling. It helps explain:
Why you might feel triggered in conflict
Why some relationships feel safe, and others don’t
How past experiences are influencing your present
What you and your partner truly need to feel secure
Whether you're coming to therapy alone or with a partner, learning about attachment can bring clarity, compassion, and hope.
Can You Become More Secure?
Yes! While attachment styles are shaped by early experiences, they are not permanent. Through self-awareness, healthy relationships, and therapeutic support, people can grow into a more secure and balanced way of connecting.
In therapy, we work on:
Identifying your patterns without judgment
Healing wounds from past relationships or childhood
Learning new ways to communicate and connect
Building confidence in both giving and receiving love
Attachment theory isn’t about putting yourself in a box—it’s about gaining insight, empathy, and tools for connection. When you understand your attachment style, you stop blaming yourself or others, and start relating in more compassionate, intentional ways.
If you're curious about how your attachment style might be shaping your relationships, therapy is a safe place to explore and grow. You don’t have to do it alone—and you’re not too late to heal.
Let’s uncover the patterns that hold you back—and create new ones that set you free.
