What Happy Couples Do Differently: Lessons from the Gottman Method
7 Signs of a Lasting Relationship (According to the Gottman Method)
What makes a relationship not only survive—but truly thrive?
According to decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, there are key signs that indicate whether a relationship is likely to stand the test of time. The Gottman Method, developed through over 40 years of studying real couples, helps us understand what makes love last—and what causes it to unravel.
Here are 7 essential signs of a healthy relationship, rooted in Gottman’s evidence-based findings:
1. You Know and Value Each Other’s Inner Worlds
Gottman calls this building love maps. It means you stay curious about your partner—their dreams, worries, past experiences, and current stressors.
In strong relationships, partners:
Ask meaningful questions
Stay up-to-date on each other’s lives
Remember the small things that matter
It’s about truly knowing your partner—and showing them they’re known.
2. You Express Fondness and Admiration Often
Lasting couples regularly express appreciation, gratitude, and respect. According to Gottman, this “positive perspective” helps buffer against conflict and negativity.
Simple daily habits like saying “thank you,” noticing each other’s strengths, and giving compliments build emotional warmth that lasts.
3. You Turn Toward Each Other, Not Away
In healthy relationships, partners respond to each other’s bids for connection—whether it's a request for attention, affection, or help.
Even small gestures like answering a text, making eye contact, or pausing to listen say, “I’m here for you.” Gottman found that lasting couples turn toward each other 86% of the time.
4. You Handle Conflict with Respect
It’s not about never fighting—it’s about how you fight.
Lasting couples:
Use soft start-ups (begin conversations gently)
Take breaks when overwhelmed
Focus on problem-solving rather than blaming
Accept influence from each other
They avoid the Gottman “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
5. You Support Each Other’s Dreams and Goals
Healthy couples honor each other’s individual growth and ambitions. You don’t have to share the same dreams, but you do cheer each other on.
This is part of what Gottman calls Creating Shared Meaning—supporting each other’s life purpose and growing together intentionally.
6. You Repair and Reconnect After Conflict
No couple is perfect—but resilient couples are skilled at repairing. They apologize, check in, take responsibility, and reconnect emotionally after disagreements.
What matters isn’t avoiding conflict, but how quickly and kindly you come back together.
7. You Prioritize Connection and Intimacy
Strong relationships are built on consistent emotional and physical connection. Whether it’s regular date nights, honest conversations, or physical affection, couples who last make time for closeness.
They don’t let busyness or stress crowd out the emotional safety and connection they’ve worked to build.
The Gottman Method shows us that love isn’t just about chemistry or compatibility—it’s about the daily habits and emotional responsiveness that keep a relationship strong.
If you’re wondering whether your relationship has what it takes to last, look for these signs—not perfection, but consistent effort, respect, and emotional connection.
And remember, these skills can be learned. Whether you’re in a good place or facing challenges, couples therapy using the Gottman Method can help you strengthen your relationship from the inside out.
