When the Truth Gets Twisted: How to Recognize and Respond to Gaslighting

Jun 22

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling more confused than when it started? Questioning whether you remembered something “right,” or wondering if maybe you really are too sensitive?

You might be experiencing gaslighting—a subtle but deeply damaging form of emotional manipulation that can take root in romantic relationships, often alongside patterns of blaming and criticism.

As a therapist, I see how disorienting and painful this dynamic can be. Here’s what it is, how it shows up, and what to do if you’re trying to bring up hard topics with someone who uses gaslighting behaviors.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where one person distorts reality to make the other person doubt their thoughts, feelings, or memory. It often includes blaming the other person for problems and using criticism in a way that targets their character rather than their behavior.

How Gaslighting and Gottman Method Interconnect:

Criticism (Gottman Horseman #1): Attacks the partner’s character or personality.
"You're so dramatic. You always overreact to everything."
Blaming: Shifts responsibility entirely onto the other person.
"It’s your fault we’re fighting again. You made me yell."
Gaslighting: Denies, dismisses, or twists the truth to undermine the other person’s experience.
"That never happened. You’re making things up again."

Together, these tactics:

Confuse and destabilize the other person.
Create a power imbalance where one partner becomes the “truth-teller” and the other begins to question their own reality.
Often result in shame, self-doubt, and emotional withdrawal in the victimized partner.

It often shows up as:

“That never happened.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re just being dramatic.”
“You always twist things.”

In therapy, we aim to replace these patterns with:

Gentle Start-Up (vs. Criticism)
Taking Responsibility (vs. Blaming)
Validating and Curiosity (vs. Gaslighting)

It’s frequently tied to criticism (attacking your character) and blame-shifting (making everything your fault). These are patterns the Gottman Method identifies as deeply corrosive to healthy connection.

Why It’s So Harmful

Gaslighting isn't just a communication issue—it's a control tactic. Over time, it can:

Erode your self-trust
Make you question your emotional instincts
Create a power imbalance in the relationship
Lead to chronic anxiety or emotional shutdown

How to Bring Up Hard Topics With Someone Who Gaslights

If you're trying to talk about something painful or important with someone who has a pattern of gaslighting, here are a few ways to protect your voice and emotional safety:

1. Ground Yourself First

Before the conversation, take time to center yourself. Write down what happened and what you feel. Remind yourself:

“I know what I experienced.”
“My feelings are valid.”

2. Speak from Your Experience, Not Their Intent

Instead of:

“You’re gaslighting me.”
Try:
“When I share my feelings and am told they didn’t happen, it’s really confusing for me. I start to shut down.”

This avoids triggering more defensiveness and keeps the focus on your reality.

3. Set Emotional Boundaries

Let them know what’s okay and what isn’t:

“I’m open to talking, but I won’t keep going if I feel dismissed or blamed.”

Stick to this. Gaslighting thrives on pushing limits.

4. Don’t Debate Reality

Gaslighters often pull you into circular arguments where you try to prove your version of events. You don’t have to go there.

Say:

“We may remember things differently. But this is how it felt for me—and I need space for that to matter.”

5. Have an Exit Plan

If things turn hostile, manipulative, or belittling, protect your peace.

“This isn’t a safe or productive space for me right now. I’m going to step back.”

Rebuilding After Gaslighting

Whether or not the relationship continues, healing from gaslighting takes time. You may need to:

Rebuild trust in your voice
Reconnect with safe people
Practice validating your own feelings and memories
Work with a therapist to heal the emotional wounds

Reflection Questions to Build Your Own Script

For talking to a partner who gaslights

1. What is your core message or need right now? “What do I most need to say, even if it’s hard?”

What do you want to express?
Is it a boundary, a request for space, the desire to feel emotionally safe, or to reconnect with support?

2. What recent pattern or moment made you feel dismissed, confused, or unseen? “What made me start second-guessing myself?” “What’s one example I might reference to explain what I’m experiencing?”

Can you describe the moment without blaming?
How did it affect you emotionally?

3. How does this pattern affect your wellbeing? “When this happens, how do I feel afterward?”
“What parts of me shrink, shut down, or become confused?”

What impact is it having on your emotional, mental, or relational health?
How do you feel in your body or mind when these moments happen?

4. What truths do you want to anchor in, even if they’re challenged? “What do I know to be true about myself or my experience?” “What do I want to protect during this conversation—my clarity, my calm, my dignity?”

What do you know is real, even if your partner denies it?
What do you want to hold onto when the conversation gets hard?

5. What boundary or next step do you want to communicate? “What am I asking for—and what will I do if that’s not respected?”

Do you need to name a limit (e.g., no more conversations that turn blaming)?
Are you asking for outside support or space?

6. How do you want to show up in this conversation? “How can I prepare emotionally for being invalidated or blamed?” “What helps me stay in my truth?”

What tone do you want to keep (calm, clear, grounded)?
What will help you stay regulated if the conversation becomes dismissive?

7. If you could speak without fear, what would you say? “If I didn’t worry about their reaction, what would I want to say?”

Let yourself journal the raw version first. This can help you later refine your script into something safe, clear, and empowered.

Once you’ve answered these questions, begin shaping your message using a soft but assertive structure like:

“I’ve been reflecting on how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve noticed that when ___ happens, I feel ___. I want to share this because it’s important to me that my experience is acknowledged. What I need moving forward is ___. I know this might not be easy to hear, but I’m choosing to prioritize my emotional clarity and care.”

A Note on Domestic Violence

Gaslighting can be a form of emotional abuse. If you feel afraid, chronically confused, or unsafe in your relationship, know that this is not your fault—and you're not alone.

If you're experiencing ongoing manipulation, isolation, or fear in your relationship, reach out to a therapist or contact a confidential resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or thehotline.org.

You Deserve to Be Heard

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety. You deserve to be in a relationship where your experiences are honored, not erased—and where hard conversations lead to connection, not confusion.

If you’re navigating gaslighting or emotional manipulation in your relationship, therapy can offer a safe space to rebuild your voice, reconnect to your truth, and move forward with clarity and strength.